Chapter Six

struggling

It's not right.

“It’s not right that Mae isn’t here at the table eating dinner, with us. It’s not right that I don’t see her walk through the front door after school everyday. It’s not right that I can’t tuck her into her bed every night, and whisper softly into her ear, how much I love her. It’s not right that every single day, every minute, I can hear her screams echoing in my head, never ending.”

“It’s not right that she’s gone.”

I look up at the therapist sitting in front of me, silent, a look of nothingness on her face. I looked down at my hands, which are shaking in my lap. That always happens after I talk about Mae. I lick my chapped lips and look over at Mark. His hands are folded neatly in his lap, and he looks calm. But if you look closely, you can see that its the complete opposite. His finger rapidly taps his hand, and there is sweat on the back of his neck, and upper lip. The crease lines above his forehead are particularly worse today, because I finally let him take me to his therapist. The dreams and visions of Mae have been getting worse and worse, to the point to where I’ll call out her name randomly in the store.

The woman sitting before me, Dr. Gena, is slender but thin, wearing a business suit, and black sandals. Her sandals look like Mae’s. They were almost exactly the same, the straps were just slightly different. They were the ones she was wearing when she was ki-

“Martha?”

I snap my head up. Dr. Gena and Mark are staring at me.

“Sorry, yes?”

She looks concerned.

“I asked you if you’ve been getting an efficient amount of sleep these past few weeks. Getting no sleep could be the reason behind you’re visions, and dreams you’ve been having?” I swallow hard. ” I- I mean I’ve gotten a little, I’d say,” stuttering. ” Martha,” Mark says, looking at me with concern. ” You know that’s not true. You’ve gotten barely any sleep, maybe three at the most.” Dr.  Gena looks at me with a look of pity.

“Martha, the key to helping you is for you to be as honest with me as you can. That way we can both help each other. This is a safe place, and I want you to be comfortable with telling me the things that are happening to you, yes?”

My voice wavers as I speak, “Yes,” I whisper. She smiles, clasping her hands together, “Okay, great. Now Mark, how do you feel about all of this. All of what’s happening to Martha. Are you scared for her?”

I look over at him, as he opens his mouth to speak. His hands are shaking. ” I- I’m very scared. The dreams she has are constant, every night, and they cause her to stay up for the rest of the night. But what worries me is when she says that she can feel Mae with her. It was like the other day, when I walked past Mae’s room, and she was there sleeping in her bed. After I shook her awake, she told me that she had felt Mae’s presence and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around tha-”

I look at him bewildered, and cut him off. ” You said you felt her too, Why are you saying it differently?” My voice starts to raise, getting higher. “You- you’re making it sound like I’m some type of freak, l- like some psychopath!”

Dr. Gena holds up her hand. ” Oh please, Martha don’t use those words, they are very harmful to those who actually struggle with problems that you are facing, and they aren’t freaks. Neither are you. Mark is just speaking from his heart right now, and theirs nothing wrong with his feelings.”

I look down at my lap again, realizing that my hands are balled up in fists. Dr. Gena talks again.

“I know how hard this must be, for both of you, overcoming a tragedy like this, is just unimaginable.”

I snap my head up and glare at her. ” Overcoming a tragedy, you’re talking like our daughter i-is dead.” I say it more loudly then expected.

“Well, Martha, we need to start accepting the fact that maybe-” “NO,” I yell. I shoot up, my chair slamming against the table behind me.

“Mae is not dead, she’s alive, why would you say that?” I’m practically screaming, I can’t stop myself. Dr. Gena and Mark stand up, him putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Martha, I agree with Dr. Gena I think we need to accept that she could be gone, and-” I shake his arm off of me.

“Don’t touch me!”

This time I’m roaring at Mark, and Dr. Gena.” Mae is not gone, and I can’t believe that you would ever say something like that. I will find my little girl, I won’t stop until she’s safe and in my arms.”

Mark cuts in. ” Honey that’s not what I was sayin-” I keep talking. ” I thought you were better than this Mark, I really thought you were, I thought we both would do everything we could do to find our daughter, but I guess you’re done doing that. I guess it makes sense though, since your the reason she’s gone!” I practically scream the last sentence out at him, breathing heavily.”

I see him flinch as he hears everything I scream, his eyes tearing up. I see Dr. Gena shift, she had been silent the whole time.

Stop. Breathe.

“Martha, we need to get you some help.” I turn to her, a look of hatred and disgust on my face. This time, when I speak, it’s low, and stone cold.

“Go to Hell.”

I don’t wait to see what she says, I storm out of the office, hearing Mark running after me. I don’t hear him screaming my name as I run across the parking lot, and onto the sidewalk. I put my hands on my knees and bend over, gasping for air and dry heaving. My gasping soon turns into desperate sobs, echoing out into the city. I feel so done, so alone. My body aches and my heart flutters.

For the first time, I pass out.