Chapter fourteen/8

Devastate

 

The plane ride back to Montana felt like a dream.

A bad dream.

I feel numb. Numb to everything now. Getting a cab, and boarding the plane feels like a distant memory, even though it was only yesterday. Each time Kathy enters my mind I push her out. Is she okay? Is she getting a plane back soon? Maybe I was too harsh on her-

Stop.

She betrayed me. She was the only person I had left that had hope that Mae was still alive. She helped me. Now she’s gone.

I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I feel alone.

I look out the window of the plane. Montana is a tiny speck below me, and I feel my stomach start to tie up.

Mae.

I feel my eyes cloud over, but I squeeze my nails into my fists.

I will not cry. Not now. I reach into my purse underneath my seat and grab my wallet. I find $50, hopefully enough for a cab back to my house. As I close the wallet my finger grazes the edge of something. I slip my hand into the pocket, and pull out a small photo.

Mae.

It’s her yearbook photo when she was in the 1st grade. She’s smiling ear to ear, showing off the gap where her two front teeth will grow in soon. My heart swells.

My baby.

My hands begin to shake, and I gently put the photo to my chest, and close my eyes, a tear escaping down my cheek.

I’ve lost her.

---

The cab stops in front of my house. I sigh, taking it all in. It seems like it’s been forever since I was last here, but it’s only been 3 days. I glance over at the mailbox. My palms instantly start to feel clammy, and I feel my body start shaking.

Help me. 

I’m almost there honey.

” No, no no! Stop!”

 

” Ma’am? We’re here, Hello?”

I gasp, and the driver jerks back. My hands are trembling uncontrollably, and I can’t catch my breath.

” Hey, woah lady are you okay? This is the place right?”

I blink hard, gasping, trying to control my breathing.

Stop. Breathe.

” I- I’m fine, yes thi- this is it.”

I shakily grab my bag and quickly leave the car, slamming the door shut behind me. As soon as I get to the front door, Mark opens it. He stands in front of me, bags under his eyes, and his hair all over the place. The lines above his head are creased, and my heart flutters.  His mouth opens slightly.

” Oh Martha,” he whispers.

I step into his arms, sobbing. My whole body shakes with each desperate cry.

” She’s gone,” I wail. ” I’ve lost her.”

Mark hugs me tighter, and strokes my hair. It’s been so long since I’ve hugged him. Felt his embrace.

” I’m so sorry honey,” he whispers into my ear. ” I’m so sorry.”

We stand together in the front door, sobbing into each other’s arms. Eventually, he walks me over to the couch, where we sit down together. I tell him everything that happened over the trip.

” She was the one person I had left that believed, and had hope Mark. And now there’s no one. I’m losing hope now. I’m losing Mae.”

My eyes start fogging up again, and I grab another tissue.

” Martha, I’ve never lost hope.”

I pause and stare up at him.

” I’ve just been scared, and so ashamed. I was the cause of this. Mae is gone because of me. And because of that, I shut down. I stopped functioning. I will never be able to explain how sorry I am, for leaving you alone like this, to deal with this on you’re own. I’m so sorry Martha.”

His eyes tear up again, and his lip trembles.

” Oh Mark, I love you so much.”

I pull him into my arms, and we stay there, together.

---

Over the next few days, everything moves in slow motion. I’m in bed most of the time, sleeping or gazing out the window at the mailboxes. Mark brings me food, and stays with me when he can, but he has to work a lot. My heart hurts. I feel so numb and broken, and It won’t heal. Not until Mae is here.

She’ll never be here again.

On the third day of being in bed, the doorbell rings. I hear Mark open the door. At first I hear faint whispers, but then Mark starts to raise his voice.

” You have no right saying that. Get out of our house now!”

” But Mark, please, I just need to see her, maybe if she talked to me it would help?”

” I assure you that anything you say will make matters worse. Now please, leave.”

The door slams shut, and I hear Mark sigh.

Kathy.

I hear his footsteps, and Mark enters our room carrying my suitcase.

” Kathy um- she brought thi-”

” Thank you for not letting her in,” I say. ” I can’t see her. I don’t think I ever will again.”

He smiles, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. He sits down beside me.

” Just, tell me if you need anything, okay?”

His voice wavers, and he turns his head away from me, so I won’t see his eyes tear up. I lift my hand toward his chin, and gently turn it towards me, and place my forehead on his.

” Always.”

 

It’s around nine at night, and Mark isn’t home yet. My throat aches for water, and I sigh. I need to get up. I get out of bed and stand up, stretching. I haven’t been out of bed all day. I walk down the hall, to the kitchen and sit down at the counter. My mind flashes back to the day after Mae was taken. I was here, sitting at this stool.

Nothing has changed.

I put my head in my hands. I can’t do this anymore. I have to let go of her. I rake my hands through my hair.

” How?” I yell. I pound my fists on the table. Pain shoots up my arms.

“Stop! Mom, mom help, no!”

” Get out of my head!”

I bang my fists on the sides of my head. It rings with pain. Stumbling around the kitchen, I grab onto the side of the table, steadying myself. Faint ringing tingles my ears. I shake my head, trying to make it stop, but it gets louder. I look up and my eyes focus on the table sitting against the wall.

The phones ringing.